“Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!”
February 27, 2008 by upyourego
The ever brilliant Father Jack Hackett from Father Ted has had his epic catchphrase “Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!” named as one of the top 25 put downs on British and American Television by Radio Times readers.
Of the list (see below) the one I’ve ACTUALLY used in conversation (I was a member of the Red Dwarf fan club as a child) was from Arnold Rimmer talking to Dave Lister.
“Look, we all have something to bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.”
Of the list my favorite is Mrs Merton on the Mrs Merton show talking to Debbie McGee - mainly for its brilliant obviousness and subtlety at the same time.
“So what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?”
Here is the full list for you to make up your own mind.
Basil Fawlty - Fawlty Towers. To Sybil: “Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmm? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn’t have time to perm your ears?”
Mrs Merton - The Mrs Merton Show. To Debbie McGee: “So what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?”
Edmund Blackadder - Blackadder II. To Lord Percy: “The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn’t he, Percy?”
Roseanne Conner - Roseanne. To husband Dan: “Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.”
Father Jack Hackett - Father Ted. “Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!”
Carla - Cheers. Cliff: “I’m ashamed God made me a man.” Carla: “I don’t think God’s doing a lot of bragging about it either.”
Patsy Stone - Absolutely Fabulous. “One more facelift on this one and she’ll have a beard.”
Jim Royle - The Royle Family. Nana: “Is this hat too far forward?” Jim: “No. We can still see your face.”
Malcolm Tucker - The Thick Of It. To a junior minister: “All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!”
Statler and Waldorf - The Muppet Show. Statler: “Wake up, you old fool, you slept through the show.” Waldorf: “Who’s a fool? You watched it.”
Inspector Monkfish - The Fast Show. To a bereaved woman: “I realise this must be a very difficult time for you, so put your knickers on and go and make me a cup of tea.”
No Offence - The Fast Show. “I notice you’re not wearing a wedding ring which, given your age, means you’re divorced or a lesbian.”
Rupert Rigsby - Rising Damp. To lodger Alan, who complains his room is too cold to study in: “The only thing you study is your navel. You even shave lying down.”
Nan - The Catherine Tate Show. Describing an encounter with an overweight hospital volunteer: “She said to me last time, ‘You look bored, Mrs Taylor. I’ve got three words for you: Barbara Taylor Bradford.’ So I said, ‘Yeah? I’ve got three words for you too: calorie controlled diet.”‘
The Professor - The Mary Whitehouse Experience. “I have here a copy of your book, Origins of the Crimean War. It smells of poo.” “That’s because it’s been inside your mum’s bra.”
Alf Garnett - Till Death Us Do Part. “You Scouse git!”
Alexis Carrington - Dynasty. “I’m glad to see your father had your teeth fixed - if not your mouth.”
JR Ewing - Dallas. “Ray never was comfortable eating with the family - we do use knives and forks.”
Dr Perry Cox - Scrubs. Dr Elliot Reid: “I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation here. I am dangerously close to giving up men altogether.” Dr Cox: “Then on behalf of men everywhere - and I do mean everywhere, including the ones in little mud huts - let me be the first to say thanks and hallelujah.”
Dr Gregory House - House. “You can think I’m wrong, but that’s no reason to stop thinking.”
Gary Strang - Men Behaving Badly. “Let’s face it, Tony, the only way you’re gonna be in there is if you’re both marooned on a desert island and she eats a poisonous berry or a nut which makes her temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex.”
Arnold Rimmer - Red Dwarf. “Look, we all have something to bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.”
Larry David - Curb Your Enthusiasm. “Switzerland is a place where they don’t like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.”
Sam Tyler - Life On Mars. To Gene Hunt: “I think you’ve forgotten who you’re talking to.” Sam: “An overweight, over-the-hill, nicotine-stained, borderline-alcoholic homophobe with a superiority complex and an unhealthy obsession with male bonding?”
Captain Mainwaring - Dad’s Army. “You stupid boy!”
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I can’t believe there isn’t any yes minister in there:
“Two kinds of government chair correspond with the two kinds of minister: one sort folds up instantly and the other sort goes round and round in circles.”
or
“Politicians must be allowed to panic. They need activity. It is their substitute for achievement.”
Genius!
I completely agree and can’t believe I didn’t think of it at the time of writing - Yes Minister was full of some of the best put downs in history.
Newspapers aren’t like the government you know Humphrey, if we make statements we have to prove they’re true.
- Peter Maxwell [of the Times], The Bed of Nails
Jim Hacker: Don’t tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers:
* The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country;
* The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country;
* The Times is read by people who actually do run the country;
* The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country;
* The Financial Times is read by people who own the country;
* The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country;
* And the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.
Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, what about the people who read the Sun?
Bernard Woolley: Sun readers don’t care who runs the country, as long as she’s got big tits.
Not sure how much this qualifies for a put down per se, but this is brilliant from the Smoke Screen.
‘You can’t do this [ban smoking]. There are marginal seats in Bristol, Nottingham, Glasgow, Basildon and Northern Ireland - all with tobacco workers. I’ve got 4000 tobacco workers in my constituency. And what about my seats?’ (starts coughing heavily).
‘Your lungs!’
‘My lungs are fine.’ (continues coughing).
‘Well, he doesn’t breathe through his seat’